That Time I Punched A Guy in the Face

 You know that saying “bad luck comes in threes?” I think it should be “bad luck comes in a baker's dozen,” because everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong that particular night. 

Proof that I smiled at some point

 

 Strike # 1: She (i.e. Me) Doesn’t Even Go Here! 

This past July, I attended a farewell party that I was not originally invited to. I sound like a party crasher, but it was a parting celebration for a specific person who I knew, but not very well. I was invited at the last minute but looking back, I shouldn’t have gone in the first place.

Strike #2 & 3: Naha, Why You So Far?

& Sober Sister Status!

The party was going to start at an izayaka (bar/restaurant) in Naha, make a pit stop at a bar, and then migrate to a local club. Naha, the capital of Okinawa, was about an hour away from Ginoza via highway and due to Japan’s strict no-drinking-and-driving laws; I would be plagued with sobriety.

Strike #4: So You’re Telling Me I Have to Pay for Alcohol I Won’t Drink?

When I arrived at the izayaka, I was told that nomihodai (all you can drink) and tabehodai (all you can eat) was around ¥3,000 (around $30). Apparently, the original price I was told, around ¥1,600yen (around $16), was for either nomihodai or tabehodai, but not for both.

***

That’s cool!

 I’ll just do the tabehodai, since I’m obviously not drinking!

Wait, I can’t?

 We all need to pay ¥3,000?

They can’t split it?

But I’m not even drinking!

Shoganai (it can’t be helped, so just accept my fate), huh?

Ugggh!

***

Strike #5: The Price is Too Damn High 

Thirty dollars may not seem much for foodies, but the problem was that the food was mostly skewers, fries, salads, and sushi – basically finger food. As a pescatarian, I had a limited choice of mainly sushi and salad. I couldn’t believe I was paying ¥3,000 for sushi and salad, a meal that is less than ¥1,000 ($10) in Japan. Ugh!

Strike #6: Asshole Says I’m Not “Easy on the Eyes,” Except for, Like, My Eyes.

Luckily, I wasn’t the only one to pay for their sobriety, but my sister in sobriety wasn’t limited by the selection of food though. We all left the izakaya, where I reluctantly paid my ¥3,000, and migrated to a nearby bar. Although I was salty about the izakaya and the fact I was sipping water at a bar, I had a good time talking to my fellow OkiJETs. However, that good time didn’t last very long, because we were interrupted buy another JET who told me,

“I hate everything about you but your eyes.”

Normal people would just say, “I love your eyes,” so I was a bit confused. I thought he was just throwing some playful shade, so I retorted, “That can’t be true! Everyone loves my hair!” To which he replied, “No, I don’t like your hair. It’s whatever” and discussed why my hair sucked. I would never consider myself a ten, but my hair? That shit is perfect! You couldn’t find better hair on Jesus, who is the personification of perfection! Insult my hair, and you insult my hair kami (spirit). I don’t know what the hell kind of stunt this guy tried to pull. Was he trying to knock me off my “pretty-girl pedestal” that I wasn’t even on? I don’t know! Why couldn’t I just be left in peace?

 Bonus #1: Save ALL the Money! 

I was agitated with the way the night turned out, and I could feel myself falling into a resting bitch face. However, we were headed to a club where I could dance to my hearts content, so it would be OK – or so I thought.

At Club Fantasy Space Okinawa, we were given a group discount, but I noticed a few particular problems: the cramped space and the disproportionate amount of women to men. Clubs in the U.S. usually strive for more women attendees than men, but this club had men outnumbering women by 15 to 1. It was a horde of sexual harassment and I was about to dance in the middle of it. A few ladies and I formed a protective circle and made our way to the dance floor. 

Strike # 7 : Creepers! Creepers Everywhere! 

The music was great, but the foreign men, who I assume were high-ranked American military personnel were treating the club like their personal frat party. They began to mosh around and crash into anyone nearby. I had to push a few guys to prevent them from jumping on me and my petite friends. After the moshing ceased, the harassment began. Guys, both Japanese and foreign, would snake their arms around my waist in an attempt pull me back onto their denim cocks. Others would grab my forearm, and a few would stand too close and just stare.

Those who have been to the club with me know that I react very aggressively. I will push away arms in disgust or blatantly tell a guy to “back the f*ck up.” Even at my most drunk, I would never succumb to those sort of sexist advances. That being said, I was disappointed to see that some women did.

Strike #8: M.A.C. Lipstick: $18; Punching A Guy in the Face: Priceless

As the number of ladies in our protective circle dwindled to three, we moved to the back of the dance floor. While dancing, I felt two hands grab my hips and pull. I quickly removed the hands and turned toward the guy, a Japanese guy, and said “No!” When I turned around to face my friend, I felt it. I felt a hand grab and squeeze my butt cheek through my silky pants. (#YesALLWoman)

I turned around to see his hand retreat, but he faced his friend and LAUGHED at his flagrant violation. I attacked instantly and punched him in the face with my right hand, which was reinforced by my hard clutch. He fell, but when I moved forward to continue my chonga assault, I noticed my phone on the floor. All the contents of my purse spilled out onto the dance floor. I recovered most of my belongings expect for my M.A.C. lipstick.

Strike #9: F*ck Me, Right?

The bouncers came and removed the guy and his friend from the club, while I found a chair and sat there for the remainder of the night. When it was time of leave, I made my round of goodbyes, stopping to talk to a few friends. One JET expressed how sad she was that the girl, whose party this was for, was leaving. I said, "Yea, imagine how you'll feel when (sober sister) and I leave!" I didn't know how drunk she was, but my words pushed her to the verge to tears. Naturally, I moved forward to hug and console her, but I was shoved away.

I got into my car and drove home; the best part of my night.

Disclaimer: This telling of events is in my perspective. Also, my bad mood in the beginning of the night did not have a factor in whether or not I would have punched that guy in the face. I would have done it even if I had a wonderful time. I don't tolerate being touched, ever. For the sake of privacy, I omitted names. However, I didn't sugar coat any of the "strikes." I don't live in a world of unicorn kitties, and neither should my blog. (-`ェ´-怒)

That Time I Blurted Out the Word "Blow Job" at Work

The title of this blog post isn't a joke.

Preface

Last year at a farewell party, one of my coworkers from the board of education got super drunk and struck up a conversation about American porn. Had it been an older employee or a conversation on the "mechanics" of porn then I would have kindly excused myself, but my young coworker only commented about the freedom of porn in America. 

What, the freedom of porn? 

Yes, because all Japanese porn, whether purchased, streamed or downloaded, is censored. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of porn but highly pixelated Japanese porn kind of defeats the actual purpose of porn, right? Either way, the conversation ended with a list of his favorite American porn stars along with another round of admiration towards America's pornographic freedom. 

The Incident

Fast forward to a random Wednesday afternoon at the board of education where Justin (the middle school ALT) and I chatted quietly about the week's events, when we were suddenly interrupted by my porn-loving coworker. My coworker wanted me to recommend a good porn. What the ??? When did I become the authority on American porn? I knew of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian's videos, but I didn't know any real porn. Wait, I knew one more! My mom and I were once huge fans of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2, and I recently heard that one of the girls decided to start a career in pornography. I wikipedia'd the name of her porn and wrote it on the Post-It for my coworker.

Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom

My coworker looked at the Post-It for a few seconds than pointed to the name with a confused looked on his face. I said, "Farrah" out loud, thinking that he had an issue with pronouncing the name. He looked stunned for a second and then asked again. This time, I spoke a little louder and slower, "Far-rah." He took another moment and asked, "So this movie is about..." and made the typical gesture of a blow job - tongue to the cheek with a pumping fist.

I was f*cking mortified, but Justin was in a fit of laughter. I explained to my coworker that "Farrah" was the girl's name without really understanding the reason for his lewd gesture. It wasn't until later that Justin explained to me that フェラ fera, pronounced the same way as "Farrah," is the Japanese word for fellatio or "blow job." 

I said the Japanese word for "blow job" in the middle of my quiet board of education - TWICE!  Later on, my coworker admitted that he thought I was pretty brave for saying the word so loud (before he knew that it was a name), but not to worry about it because no one was actually listening anyway. I'm pretty sure that was lie to make me feel better. Earth please swallow me whole!

Moral of the Story 

Be careful! Innocent words in English might not be so innocent in Japanese! Also don't say フェラ "fera" or "Farrah" out loud. Like, ever!

It's Not Them, It's You!

I’m not a big fan of rage writing, but today is just one of those days. 

A couple weeks ago, one of my friends asked me to fill out a questionnaire for her website dedicated to helping applicants “get into the most competitive English teaching program in Japan,” the JET Program (woot). I was a bit taken aback by her thought-provoking questions, but I remember lingering on one specific question:

What do you think is the hardest challenge for ALTs on the job? 

At first, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the language barrier? Maybe it was the differences in our cultures? Maybe I could just invent some generic answer, but whom would that help? Instead I wrote a short, professional summery of what I believe is the hardest challenge for ALTs, leaving out the long, unprofessional summery for you to read shortly. 

Challenge #1: Get over yourself!

There! It’s written in this subsection’s title; I feel better already! There is a huge problem with overinflated egos and ramped nationalism among the foreign population in Japan. ALTs expect to be catered and fussed over, and then complain when their 15-minutes of fame ends unexpectedly. ALTs also have a habit of focusing on how thing are done in their own countries and instead of seeing things in a different perspective. Why is that Japan is “rules over logic,” when in reality it’s “when in Rome…?” 

I can hear some mentally saying, “Gabie, you’re such a hypocrite!” 

Am I? I am a complainer! I love to complain. I am complaining in this post. If there were a job out there where I could complain all day, I would do it. But I also get over it and myself, fairly quickly. At first I complained about Japanese "meteorological" bus companies calling the shots, but you know what happened next typhoon? I, like every other Japanese person on this island, waited for the announcement from the bus companies. You live. You learn. You move the hell on. I don’t let it change my opinion of Japan, and I don’t scream out to the far corners of the Internet that I hate the country that hosts me despite the fact that I willingly applied for this program. 

Challenge #2: What is your purpose? Oh, you have no purpose? Ok...

The reason we are here in Japan is to teach English, right? But what is your purpose? I’m not talking about some existential bullsh*t. How are you spending your free time? What are your goals? What do you want to take from this experience? Or are you just here to f*ck around? I mean that literally too! There are too many ALTs that come to Japan without a single purpose other than to find a Japanese boyfriend/girlfriend/bangbuddy. If you do reader-who-I-hope-this-applies-to, then get ready for disappointment. I am not saying that love can’t be found and sex can’t be had, but your “extracurricular activities” shouldn’t define your time in Japan. Period. 

Challenge #3: Work Culture

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have a good relationship with your coworkers. Sometimes it’s out of your control, but you know what is in your control? You’re attitude? No matter how I feel that morning, I plaster a huge smile on my face and “Ohayo gozaimasu” the shit out of all of my coworkers. Who would be mean to a happy, energetic, pretty-pretty princess! It not “fake it until your make it;” it’s “reap what you sow.” However, the most important thing is that you show up on time and work hard. How can you expect your coworkers to bend over backwards for you, when you don’t stand up straight for them? Suck it up, get genki and work hard and maybe you too will get away with breaking rules every once in a while. 

TL;DR: Get over yourself, quit f*cking around, and work hard.